Whether you love soaps or you hate them, you have to read this list. It's just too funny, and so true! I can tell you right now: B, C, D2, E, F, J, L, M, N, P, S, T, Y2, and Z have all happened on GH just this passed year. LOL
A Amnesia: Don't Forget That! Soap characters have a much higher rate of amnesia than the regular medical population. These amnesia victims also have a greater tendency to forget the very people and things that make it most convenient for plot-induced trauma to the other characters.
B Budget Cut Driving Sequences. Notorious for ranking as the cheapest-looking moments on soaps, scenes in which a character is driving always feature a completely fake-looking background delivered via a blue screen effect. Often accompanied by the character wildly rotating the steering wheel, totally oblivious to the fact that the background is not matching his/her driving movements.
C
Convenient Miscarriage. If a female character is raped or otherwise unfortunately impregnated, she can rest assured that this pregnancy will rarely be carried to term, although the pregnancy will not be aborted. Instead, she will be involved in some freak accident, frequently involving a flight of stairs, lose the baby, thereby sparing the writers the uncomfortable storyline of raising an unwanted child.
D
Disappearing Corpse Rule. When a popular character is leaving his/her show via death, the body will disappear in one way or another, providing the writers with a way to bring back the character any number of years later.
Drugstore Was Closed Rule. Two soap characters who indulge in a random one night stand will never use protection and it will most certainly lead to surprise pregnancy, especially if one of the two is in a romance with someone else.
E
EPT Principle. When a female soap character emerges from the bathroom in which she has just completed her home pregnancy test, she and the other characters begin waving around the stick she has just urinated in as though it were an air freshener.
F Female Fainting Formula. If a female soap character suddenly faints for no apparent reason, she is pregnant. Also true of unexplained vomiting.
G
Gym Shirtlessness Policy. Contrary to the rules at 99% of U.S. gyms, male soap characters are required to work out shirtless. Generally, an added rule of profuse perspiration is also required.
H "Have You Done Something Different With Your Hair?" When a soap character is permanently recast, no one in town will ever notice or acknowledge the change in their appearance. This is even true when a character changes races (i.e. OLTL's Blair).
I "I Am So Mad Now, I Don't Know What I Might Do!" Filler dialogue spoken by characters all over town to a dastardly villain soon to be murdered. Dialogue like this ensures a town full of potential suspects.
J Just Missed Dinner Rule. Soap characters are not shown truly eating a meal. Scenes are generally joined just as the meal is being finished, or just as it is served. In the case of the latter, the meal will be consumed over the commercial.
K Kissing Cousins. Icky soap phenomenon in which two characters make out (and sometimes make love) only to find out later that they are in fact related (i.e. Y&R's Cricket & Scott, PASSIONS' Chad & Whitney, at least for a while).
L
Law Disenforcement Rule. Soap opera policeman and detectives are among the most useless creatures on the planet. They are always late to the scene of a crime and never solve The Big Case prior to someone getting victimized by the villain. Examples include GH's Mac Scorpio, Y&R's "Detective Clueless" Paul Williams, and ATWT's entire Jokedale Police Department.
M
Misidentified Abduction. Soap heroine is grabbed from behind by menacing intruder. Soap heroine screams bloody murder. Soap goes to commercial after this shocking act. Soap returns from commercial, whereupon soap heroine realizes her "attacker" was actually her love interest, who claims "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you."
N
Now Flying Nonstop Rule. All soap cities will feature an international airport, with non-stop flights to absolutely all world locations, with a flight to each leaving within the hour. These flights also arrive at their destinations in record time.
O
Oddly Shirtless Odd Jobs. The new soap hunk to town will always remove his shirt to perform tasks that do not require shirtlessness (i.e. checking the oil).
p
Perilous Pregnancy Principle. No soap female experiences a trauma-free, normal pregnancy. Instead, she will always have at least one pregnancy scare and very rarely will give birth in a hospital with a physician performing the delivery.
Q Queer as No Folk. Gay characters on soaps are only gay in theory, as they are never given an onscreen romantic relationship of any lasting substance. A lesbian kiss is a Big Event, and a real, non-CPR gay male kiss has still yet to occur. Meanwhile, these gay characters' straight counterparts are shown bed-hopping, saliva-swapping, and pants-dropping.
R Remember Me? Whenever a dead or absent soap character starts getting remembered by name onscreen by other characters, you can be guaranteed that person is on their way back to town. See also You Again?.
S
Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome (SORAS). Curious soap aging phenomenon in which main characters' children should be 4-5 years old, but show up one day, often home from boarding school, and are suddenly a demographic-friendly 16-21 years old overnight. SORAS is known to strike more often during the summertime, when a larger audience of similarly-aged teen viewers is around to witness the Syndrome's effects.
T
Tummy Rub Reminder. If a female soap character is pregnant, whether one week or nine months along, she will always rub her stomach to subliminally remind the audience that she is indeed with child.
U Unannounced Dream Sequence. When the first scene of a soap episode features six months worth of secrets being exposed or the estranged supercouple suddenly reuniting, the scene in which these events take place will always turn out to have been a dream.
V Viki/Niki Principle. The concept of split personalities is fair game for all soaps, but the Viki/Niki Principle is specific to OLTL. At least every three years, either Victoria Buchanan Davidson or one of her offspring must develop a sinister alternate personality.
X X-Rated Pasts. Soap heroines who have dirty pasts will always get a visit from sleazy pimps looking to cash in on their new lifestyle.
Y You Again? No matter how many times a character in their lives returns from the dead, soap characters will always act completely stunned when this event happens, even if the shocked person himself has also returned from the dead at one point. Never more evident than with DAYS' Jack Deveraux, who has returned from the dead four times, three of those within a one-year period, each time to a greater level of shock from wife Jennifer. See also Remember Me?.
"You Still Haven't Answered Me." Bizarre line of dialogue, most often heard on Y&R, in which one character poses a question to another, followed by a dramatic close-up and fade-out to commercial. When the show comes back from commercial, the asker states to the askee, "You still haven't answered me," as though they expected an answer over the commercial break.
Your Table Is Ready. Soap characters never have to wait on a table at a restaurant. In fact, the most desirable, centrally-located table will always be available for them to sit at. (On Y&R, this table is always provided by Gina Roma.)
Z Zip It Rule. If you are on a soap and have a deep, dark secret to hide, then by all means, announce the details of this secret out loud as often as you can, generally as near to the person who should not hear this information as possible.
A Amnesia: Don't Forget That! Soap characters have a much higher rate of amnesia than the regular medical population. These amnesia victims also have a greater tendency to forget the very people and things that make it most convenient for plot-induced trauma to the other characters.
B Budget Cut Driving Sequences. Notorious for ranking as the cheapest-looking moments on soaps, scenes in which a character is driving always feature a completely fake-looking background delivered via a blue screen effect. Often accompanied by the character wildly rotating the steering wheel, totally oblivious to the fact that the background is not matching his/her driving movements.
C
Convenient Miscarriage. If a female character is raped or otherwise unfortunately impregnated, she can rest assured that this pregnancy will rarely be carried to term, although the pregnancy will not be aborted. Instead, she will be involved in some freak accident, frequently involving a flight of stairs, lose the baby, thereby sparing the writers the uncomfortable storyline of raising an unwanted child.
D
Disappearing Corpse Rule. When a popular character is leaving his/her show via death, the body will disappear in one way or another, providing the writers with a way to bring back the character any number of years later.
Drugstore Was Closed Rule. Two soap characters who indulge in a random one night stand will never use protection and it will most certainly lead to surprise pregnancy, especially if one of the two is in a romance with someone else.
E
EPT Principle. When a female soap character emerges from the bathroom in which she has just completed her home pregnancy test, she and the other characters begin waving around the stick she has just urinated in as though it were an air freshener.
F Female Fainting Formula. If a female soap character suddenly faints for no apparent reason, she is pregnant. Also true of unexplained vomiting.
G
Gym Shirtlessness Policy. Contrary to the rules at 99% of U.S. gyms, male soap characters are required to work out shirtless. Generally, an added rule of profuse perspiration is also required.
H "Have You Done Something Different With Your Hair?" When a soap character is permanently recast, no one in town will ever notice or acknowledge the change in their appearance. This is even true when a character changes races (i.e. OLTL's Blair).
I "I Am So Mad Now, I Don't Know What I Might Do!" Filler dialogue spoken by characters all over town to a dastardly villain soon to be murdered. Dialogue like this ensures a town full of potential suspects.
J Just Missed Dinner Rule. Soap characters are not shown truly eating a meal. Scenes are generally joined just as the meal is being finished, or just as it is served. In the case of the latter, the meal will be consumed over the commercial.
K Kissing Cousins. Icky soap phenomenon in which two characters make out (and sometimes make love) only to find out later that they are in fact related (i.e. Y&R's Cricket & Scott, PASSIONS' Chad & Whitney, at least for a while).
L
Law Disenforcement Rule. Soap opera policeman and detectives are among the most useless creatures on the planet. They are always late to the scene of a crime and never solve The Big Case prior to someone getting victimized by the villain. Examples include GH's Mac Scorpio, Y&R's "Detective Clueless" Paul Williams, and ATWT's entire Jokedale Police Department.
M
Misidentified Abduction. Soap heroine is grabbed from behind by menacing intruder. Soap heroine screams bloody murder. Soap goes to commercial after this shocking act. Soap returns from commercial, whereupon soap heroine realizes her "attacker" was actually her love interest, who claims "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you."
N
Now Flying Nonstop Rule. All soap cities will feature an international airport, with non-stop flights to absolutely all world locations, with a flight to each leaving within the hour. These flights also arrive at their destinations in record time.
O
Oddly Shirtless Odd Jobs. The new soap hunk to town will always remove his shirt to perform tasks that do not require shirtlessness (i.e. checking the oil).
p
Perilous Pregnancy Principle. No soap female experiences a trauma-free, normal pregnancy. Instead, she will always have at least one pregnancy scare and very rarely will give birth in a hospital with a physician performing the delivery.
Q Queer as No Folk. Gay characters on soaps are only gay in theory, as they are never given an onscreen romantic relationship of any lasting substance. A lesbian kiss is a Big Event, and a real, non-CPR gay male kiss has still yet to occur. Meanwhile, these gay characters' straight counterparts are shown bed-hopping, saliva-swapping, and pants-dropping.
R Remember Me? Whenever a dead or absent soap character starts getting remembered by name onscreen by other characters, you can be guaranteed that person is on their way back to town. See also You Again?.
S
Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome (SORAS). Curious soap aging phenomenon in which main characters' children should be 4-5 years old, but show up one day, often home from boarding school, and are suddenly a demographic-friendly 16-21 years old overnight. SORAS is known to strike more often during the summertime, when a larger audience of similarly-aged teen viewers is around to witness the Syndrome's effects.
T
Tummy Rub Reminder. If a female soap character is pregnant, whether one week or nine months along, she will always rub her stomach to subliminally remind the audience that she is indeed with child.
U Unannounced Dream Sequence. When the first scene of a soap episode features six months worth of secrets being exposed or the estranged supercouple suddenly reuniting, the scene in which these events take place will always turn out to have been a dream.
V Viki/Niki Principle. The concept of split personalities is fair game for all soaps, but the Viki/Niki Principle is specific to OLTL. At least every three years, either Victoria Buchanan Davidson or one of her offspring must develop a sinister alternate personality.
X X-Rated Pasts. Soap heroines who have dirty pasts will always get a visit from sleazy pimps looking to cash in on their new lifestyle.
Y You Again? No matter how many times a character in their lives returns from the dead, soap characters will always act completely stunned when this event happens, even if the shocked person himself has also returned from the dead at one point. Never more evident than with DAYS' Jack Deveraux, who has returned from the dead four times, three of those within a one-year period, each time to a greater level of shock from wife Jennifer. See also Remember Me?.
"You Still Haven't Answered Me." Bizarre line of dialogue, most often heard on Y&R, in which one character poses a question to another, followed by a dramatic close-up and fade-out to commercial. When the show comes back from commercial, the asker states to the askee, "You still haven't answered me," as though they expected an answer over the commercial break.
Your Table Is Ready. Soap characters never have to wait on a table at a restaurant. In fact, the most desirable, centrally-located table will always be available for them to sit at. (On Y&R, this table is always provided by Gina Roma.)
Z Zip It Rule. If you are on a soap and have a deep, dark secret to hide, then by all means, announce the details of this secret out loud as often as you can, generally as near to the person who should not hear this information as possible.
