Funeral etiquette

[Karma]

I was in Detroit the last few days, for a funeral of someone very near and dear. Her name is Blanche L. Neal.

I was the ONLY white woman (person) there and the family had me sitting with them. Some people could be HEARD saying "who is that white woman?" like why was I there, much less sitting with the family. I didnt ASK to sit with the family. in fact I tried to sit toward the back after I had arrived, viewed Blanche's body and greeted the family but I was asked by her mother to sit with them. I was a bit reluctant but they insisted. We do have alot of history together. And apparently some people who didnt know who i was seemed to object to that. I don't think a funeral is the place to cause drama. everyone is there to pay respects and say goodbye and while I didnt pay it any mind, there were some other things that i noticed.

I've attended "white" funerals and "black" funerals, and there's always difference due to the different cultures and what people consider "tradition".

but as time passes, almost everytime I attend funerals now, especially for a person who is black, the tradition of wearing all black is all but ignored. i've been to some funerals where the family would even wear all white! It always takes me aback a little because i know how that would be viewed unfavorably in my family. But

I've been to a funeral were alcohol was present, GUNS were in the coffin...and they played music. It was such a SCAREY situation that I couldnt stay. All i could do was view my friend, greet his mother/sister, sign the book and get out because not only was the atmosphere in the place volatile, but I could tell that somehow my presence was not well received by people who didnt know who i was.

I've even been to a funeral where the man who died was something of a "pimp" or "playa" and his the funeral parlour was FILLED with women that he'd been with (or was with up till he died) and they were acting so outrageously ghetto...I was totally offended at the lack of etiquette and even his mother was sitting there looking crushed at the display these tramps were putting on in the funeral parlour.

at the same time, some funerals I have attended for different people have become VERY short and almost impersonal. there's no body to view, only a picture with black ribbons or a wreath. a very quiet, solemn atmosphere at the church or cemetary and after the eulogy/burial...there's no dinner or gathering afterward. Ive been to some funerals where the person's family refused to come because he/she was GAY! and THAT to me was just unforgivable!

I find it interesting to see how different cultures handle their funerals and the mourning process. I'm not writing this to promote one over the other...but i DO think somethings are INAPPROPRIATE for any funeral regardless as to who it is, what race they are etc.

guns in a coffin? alcohol and rap music in a funeral parlour? a bunch of skanky women dressed like hookers throwing themselves on a man's coffin while his MOTHER is sitting right there?

are there somethings that just shouldnt happen at a funeral no matter what? should that be the place for people to "wild out" beyond restraint? should a family use a person's funeral to make a moral judgement statement??

what do you think?

 

[Persephone]

Wow....those sound like some crazy funerals. I've never heard of anything like that happening before lol.

As for the what you wrote about the attire for funerals [hooker and pimp attire excluded of course] I've only ever been to one funeral in my life [thank goodness] when I was 9, it was for my grandfather, and I remember being told instead of wearing black everyone's going to wear bright, cheerful colors because my grandfather wouldn't want us morning over him but celebrating and remembering his life. So I can see why some people don't choose the traditional all black attire when going to funerals or ask their guests not to wear it. I suppose it's preference really.

 

[Black King]

Funerals shouldn't morn death, they should celebrate a person's life. How that should be done falls to the family and those that knew the person best. That said it should be done with a little bit of class and restraint, no one should feel unsafe attending a funeral.

 

[Firebird]

Wow, that’s sad but intriguing at the same time.

I loathe going to funerals because its just so solemn and depressing. Any funeral I’ve ever attended almost everyone wore black or dark colors. Not that I know enough to really comment much on them. I’ve never been to a funeral for any of my African American friends.

I did go to one several months ago for a friend of mine (she’s white) who I knew since High School. She’s a successful exotic dancer and so I decided to go because it was for her father, who had committed suicide in his jail cell. Anyway so I went and it was really nice. But I was appalled that there were people there wearing JEANS! Growing up, I was taught that you should wear something nice. Most of the people (of all different ages) were wearing jeans, some with holes in them. I just thought that was so odd. Some of them even had colored hair, piercings, etc. Granted, I have a variety of friends but I always felt that when you’re attending a funeral you’re there to pay your respects. And as such, you should dress appropriately.

As for the “wilding out” behavior I think its also inappropriate. But I think it could be a result of strong emotions running amok. Most people have difficulty letting go especially a death. Which I’m willing to guess is why each of them were like that. But even still that’s no excuses, especially when his mother was right there.

I also don’t think guns are appropriate but maybe they have a personal reference or special meaning to that person. It all depends really. Some people put roses in the coffin maybe others prefer trinkets and other items.

Anytime I’ve gone to a party after a funeral is always for family. I didn’t go to the party for my friend, mainly because she wasn’t in attendance at the funeral. When I spoke to her family they advised that she was taking it too hard.

Either way black, white, or purple funerals are intriguing to find out what really goes on, whether appropriate or not.

 

[Dapper Dan]

Funerals are for the living.... I guarantee you that the person sitting in the coffin doesn't care one way or another whats going on.

I actually had a shock when I was in college (ugh... I feel old (imagine how old Spellbinder must feel)) and one of my friend's mother died. Two of my friends one from the Pittsburg area and one from Northern VA (D.C.) area were astounded that it was an open casket funeral... To me that all I've ever seen with any funeral I've been to and yet they were majorily weirded out by that simple fact.

 

[Enchantra]

I think that the funeral should be a celebration of that persons life. The music they loved and so on. I buried my grandma with a pack of cigarettes that were placed out of sight in the casket, so only the family knew about it. I do think etiquette is important, I think you should be dressed appropriately and act that way as well out of respect. If they don't then they obviously were not raised with manners and respect. The funeral itself is something to be taken seriously, perhaps the get together afterward is more of the place to let loose.