Archon
Rising Star
I'm not sure if this is where this goes (or even if it fits anywhere), but I process by writing, it helps me puts my thoughts in order. Anyway, it's a long read and not likely of interest to many, but I just kinda wanted to share.
My*Matryoshka
She came into my life like a hurricane. All tears and anger and broken dreams. *I had no way to know of the chaos and beauty she would bring to my world. It wouldn't matter even if I had because to embrace her is to embrace the storm. It's a terrifying and exciting place to be. For those fortunate few who hold fast long enough to know her it's rewarding beyond measure. So embrace her I did, with the reckless abandon of one who dives into a rip current to save a drowning friend.
Thinking back, maybe we were both drowning and maybe in some ways we rescued each other. I wanted to be the catcher in the rye but I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I was wrong about a great many things.
Though I had known her for some time we really, truly met in the middle of her heartbreak. Why she allowed me to be her confidant I do not know but I remain grateful even now. We walked together through the inevitable detritus of a wrecked relationship. It was a slow walk and there were frustrations as we grew toward each other. *She was deeper and more complicated than her years would suggest. Any attempt to thoroughly describe her is an exercise in futility because her very nature is elusive, residing in the spaces between the words. She could be fickle at times and her spontaneity was both endearing and maddening. She wore a calculated breeziness that belied her inner tempest. *She had many passions but the greatest was animals. She was a rescuer of the abused and neglected. *I think this was her way of dealing with the hurt in her own life. After all, *if these mistreated and abandoned creatures deserved a better life, surely she did too. And I was willing to be her rescuer because more than anyone I have ever known, she deserved a happy ending.*
There was a steep learning curve with her, but it was a subject that greatly intrigued me. Yet for all my efforts to know her she was the kind of person who in some ways will always be unknowable. *Ultimately, however, she was a bird, too long caged.*
Watching her learn to fly again was often difficult for me. I wanted pull her to my chest and protect her from the arrows of this world. But the arrows were many and it was foolish to think I could shield her from them all or that she even needed or wanted that from me. As she began to rebuild her fractured spirit there were missteps and misgivings. Sometimes she pushed away and *hid behind the walls of feigned indifference. In those times she was unreachable, unreadable. I longed to tear down those walls, but they weren't mine to tear down. So I would call patiently, perhaps insistently, from the other side until she felt safe enough or strong enough to return.*
She was never mine, of course. She never could be. My heart and promise belonged to another. Admittedly, this caused a significant amount of internal conflict for me. My desire warred against my duty and it was not always clear which would win. *In this I began to recognize my own frailties and failures, but for so many reasons I could not, would not let her go. From the outside it looked to all the world like I was a genuine, if unexpected, friend. I played that role well because there was, in fact, much truth to that. Yet in the deep places that I let no one see, I knew there were other reasons that I wanted her close. To say that I cared for her isn't at all adequate. My feelings for her, even now, are complicated and difficult to put into words. This I know, they run true and deep. She often thought I idealized her, but she was wrong. I knew that she was flawed, though beautifully flawed. I saw her for who she was and who she could be. I saw potential for greatness in her. Potential without the will to act, however, is an empty thing and I was not always certain *if she had the will, or the emotional tools, necessary to rise above. She was a good risk though and so I committed myself to helping her become the woman I knew she could be.*She was always stronger and braver than she could see and her resilience continually inspired me. Even in her moments of despair she possessed this rare combination of strength and fragility, beauty and depth that drew so many to her. We were all helpless before her charms.
One sad, sweet night she offered herself to me. Though it was a gift I wanted to accept with near desperation, I found I could not betray the commitments I had made or the woman to whom they had been spoken. *But my heart broke that night because I understood what had been offered and what I was surrendering by not accepting. Despite all of my supposed moral fortitude, I hung by a thread that night. I looked into the abyss and I nearly jumped. *I'm not sure she truly understood my motives or extent of my disappointment but I will carry this memory in my heart and I will always wonder. Even now it haunts and excites me.
In the middle of all of this she nearly died. It was a closer call than I feel comfortable admitting. It frightened her. It frightened all of us who were caught in her orbit. It was at this point that I recognized that she had left her indelible mark on my life. There was no going back. I could not even remember the time before her. Who I am is not who I was. For better or worse she played no small role in that transformation. *Her accident, though tragic, served as a precious reminder of the transience of life. We both emerged changed but in different ways.*
Through it all we were bonded in a unique way. Something less than lovers but more than friends. She was my muse, my fantasy, my secret, my window into another world. *Her vulnerability and openness revealed to me other realities, new possibilities. She shared about her pain and loss and dreams and fears and I hope that by listening I was able to bear a portion of that burden for her because it weighed so heavily on her slight shoulders.*
She became a safe place for me to fall. When I felt I had to be strong for everyone else she allowed me to be weak. When I felt I had to have all the answers she allowed me to doubt. And though I knew it could never be, my heart raced at the sound of her voice and thundered at her touch. *I don't think she ever knew this and I'm not sure she could *understand her effect on me even if she did.
In the end, she was young and wild and free and she needed a companionship that for all my wanting I could not give her. So her affections rightly turned to another. This was the inevitable outcome, and my heart truly sings for joy at her happiness, but I confess to feeling an almost inexplicable sense of loss. * We walked closely together for a time and there was an undeniable sadness at the realization that this too brief part of my own journey may be over. *I don't know where our path leads but I sense it will be long and winding and perhaps at points treacherous. Though I am quite certain that there will*be an ebb and flow in our relationship I am also certain that, in one form or another, it will be lasting. To the achievement of her hopes I remain committed and neither time nor circumstance will steal that away. One day she will grab that golden ring and when she does I will cheer louder than them all.
My*Matryoshka
She came into my life like a hurricane. All tears and anger and broken dreams. *I had no way to know of the chaos and beauty she would bring to my world. It wouldn't matter even if I had because to embrace her is to embrace the storm. It's a terrifying and exciting place to be. For those fortunate few who hold fast long enough to know her it's rewarding beyond measure. So embrace her I did, with the reckless abandon of one who dives into a rip current to save a drowning friend.
Thinking back, maybe we were both drowning and maybe in some ways we rescued each other. I wanted to be the catcher in the rye but I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I was wrong about a great many things.
Though I had known her for some time we really, truly met in the middle of her heartbreak. Why she allowed me to be her confidant I do not know but I remain grateful even now. We walked together through the inevitable detritus of a wrecked relationship. It was a slow walk and there were frustrations as we grew toward each other. *She was deeper and more complicated than her years would suggest. Any attempt to thoroughly describe her is an exercise in futility because her very nature is elusive, residing in the spaces between the words. She could be fickle at times and her spontaneity was both endearing and maddening. She wore a calculated breeziness that belied her inner tempest. *She had many passions but the greatest was animals. She was a rescuer of the abused and neglected. *I think this was her way of dealing with the hurt in her own life. After all, *if these mistreated and abandoned creatures deserved a better life, surely she did too. And I was willing to be her rescuer because more than anyone I have ever known, she deserved a happy ending.*
There was a steep learning curve with her, but it was a subject that greatly intrigued me. Yet for all my efforts to know her she was the kind of person who in some ways will always be unknowable. *Ultimately, however, she was a bird, too long caged.*
Watching her learn to fly again was often difficult for me. I wanted pull her to my chest and protect her from the arrows of this world. But the arrows were many and it was foolish to think I could shield her from them all or that she even needed or wanted that from me. As she began to rebuild her fractured spirit there were missteps and misgivings. Sometimes she pushed away and *hid behind the walls of feigned indifference. In those times she was unreachable, unreadable. I longed to tear down those walls, but they weren't mine to tear down. So I would call patiently, perhaps insistently, from the other side until she felt safe enough or strong enough to return.*
She was never mine, of course. She never could be. My heart and promise belonged to another. Admittedly, this caused a significant amount of internal conflict for me. My desire warred against my duty and it was not always clear which would win. *In this I began to recognize my own frailties and failures, but for so many reasons I could not, would not let her go. From the outside it looked to all the world like I was a genuine, if unexpected, friend. I played that role well because there was, in fact, much truth to that. Yet in the deep places that I let no one see, I knew there were other reasons that I wanted her close. To say that I cared for her isn't at all adequate. My feelings for her, even now, are complicated and difficult to put into words. This I know, they run true and deep. She often thought I idealized her, but she was wrong. I knew that she was flawed, though beautifully flawed. I saw her for who she was and who she could be. I saw potential for greatness in her. Potential without the will to act, however, is an empty thing and I was not always certain *if she had the will, or the emotional tools, necessary to rise above. She was a good risk though and so I committed myself to helping her become the woman I knew she could be.*She was always stronger and braver than she could see and her resilience continually inspired me. Even in her moments of despair she possessed this rare combination of strength and fragility, beauty and depth that drew so many to her. We were all helpless before her charms.
One sad, sweet night she offered herself to me. Though it was a gift I wanted to accept with near desperation, I found I could not betray the commitments I had made or the woman to whom they had been spoken. *But my heart broke that night because I understood what had been offered and what I was surrendering by not accepting. Despite all of my supposed moral fortitude, I hung by a thread that night. I looked into the abyss and I nearly jumped. *I'm not sure she truly understood my motives or extent of my disappointment but I will carry this memory in my heart and I will always wonder. Even now it haunts and excites me.
In the middle of all of this she nearly died. It was a closer call than I feel comfortable admitting. It frightened her. It frightened all of us who were caught in her orbit. It was at this point that I recognized that she had left her indelible mark on my life. There was no going back. I could not even remember the time before her. Who I am is not who I was. For better or worse she played no small role in that transformation. *Her accident, though tragic, served as a precious reminder of the transience of life. We both emerged changed but in different ways.*
Through it all we were bonded in a unique way. Something less than lovers but more than friends. She was my muse, my fantasy, my secret, my window into another world. *Her vulnerability and openness revealed to me other realities, new possibilities. She shared about her pain and loss and dreams and fears and I hope that by listening I was able to bear a portion of that burden for her because it weighed so heavily on her slight shoulders.*
She became a safe place for me to fall. When I felt I had to be strong for everyone else she allowed me to be weak. When I felt I had to have all the answers she allowed me to doubt. And though I knew it could never be, my heart raced at the sound of her voice and thundered at her touch. *I don't think she ever knew this and I'm not sure she could *understand her effect on me even if she did.
In the end, she was young and wild and free and she needed a companionship that for all my wanting I could not give her. So her affections rightly turned to another. This was the inevitable outcome, and my heart truly sings for joy at her happiness, but I confess to feeling an almost inexplicable sense of loss. * We walked closely together for a time and there was an undeniable sadness at the realization that this too brief part of my own journey may be over. *I don't know where our path leads but I sense it will be long and winding and perhaps at points treacherous. Though I am quite certain that there will*be an ebb and flow in our relationship I am also certain that, in one form or another, it will be lasting. To the achievement of her hopes I remain committed and neither time nor circumstance will steal that away. One day she will grab that golden ring and when she does I will cheer louder than them all.
only when you wave the conservative flag!